I’m not sure when the subject of flatulence became such a big part of my life, but perhaps it was always so. I mean growing up with brothers, this is the sort of daily must subject that one has to discuss. It just happens, whether in the car, at the table, or after school. And when there are boys around, flatulence is appropriate at any time, because it is the one true source of what we all crave: laughter.
When I was a child, I distinctly remember boys dropping fart bombs on each other. It was a frequent goal as they carefully paid attention to when one first brewed in their tummies. As the bubbly rumble grew more intense, they made it a point to find a victim, to get into position, and silently order themselves bombs away. The immediate result ranged anywhere from pure disgust to rolling laughter (depending on those victims), due to dynamics, melodic line, harmony (if there was any), intensity, and pitch. Oh! And uh, to a boy? Flatulence is truly a musical composition that is easily composed and executed. No need to practice:) And if there is an audience such as a best friend or a family member? Even better.
There were brothers, then there were boys in grade school and onto high school. And to be quite honest, although age does bring a bit more manners about it, when a boy is totally in his comfort zone, no matter the age, he will let one rip. This is the term I have learned from my own children. As a writer, rip is the one-word-wonder that describes the ultimate goals of flatulence. And believe me. Boys have it down to a smelly science that never ends!
What are the goals of flatulence to a boy?
Laughter, Surprise, Sound, Smell, Length or Duration, Intensity, Control
How can they describe flatulence amongst themselves? (Here’s the gross part!)
a shredded one
a wet one
a man beef one
a bubble or burble one
a silent one
a deadly one
a butt breaker one
an I love you one (yes! this is popular)
a pull my finger one
an everlasting one
a windy one
an epic one
a squirter one
a growler one
a gobbler one (this one takes everyone down in the room, is what I am told)
How might girls describe their flatulence?
A fluff, polite, a squeak of air, a toot, a quiet poof, a poot, a flutter, floral – Oh My! What a difference:) And I absolutely love the softness of a lady:)
There are many of us out there who could care less about a little flatulence, as long as one is not produced in an inappropriate style or setting. Many of us are down to earth enough to know it is part of life, and everyone does it. And yes. When one actually “rips” as my boys love to say in my home, I am guilty of laughter here and there. Too, I have been known to cry myself calm, because of shock value, and the full belly laughter it produces within my circle of children. If they laugh uncontrollably, I have no defense, and must join them!
So putting aside science, and diet, and manners (for once), I have to admit. We always have flatulence. And according to my boys, “Farts are famous!” And believe it or not, they truly are. Though I cannot describe my abhorrence when someone uses a farting App on their phone, or YouTubes 15 minutes worth of hideous ridiculousness, the proof is rampant. There is no keeping a straight face, and why even try? Eventually the disgusting funny will tickle your bones, and you will be guilty of laughter too.
Flatulence is the presence in a loaded car when one releases a quiet one and strategically says nothing. And while the rest cough, and choke, and cry tears that fall between the categories of funny and offended, the perpetrator is completely satisfied with their delivery.
It is the presence in a crowded ice cream shop when all patrons are glaring around to see who did it?
It is the moment when someone very important is at your table, and a child tries to control one, but it comes out anyway in an unmistakable honk.
It is when the dog releases one, then looks at you as if you were the one to blame.
It is the moment when an uncle purchases a children’s book called Farts in the Wild to start a mass production of gross conquest.
It is the memory of boys dropping bombs in front of their well-mannered grandmother solely for the purpose of her epic shock value, and how she controlled herself from laughing almost 99% of the time.
It is the time when the person across from you sneezes and farts at the same time, and you are the one asked to leave class on account of not being able to control your own laughter.
It is the memory of using a charcoal grill for the first time, consuming burgers, and releasing “lighter fluid” gas throughout the days that followed while on vacation with friends.
And as a LADY, I am not promoting the art of flatulence. However, I am recognizing the history of fetish in boys, and how all girls are sucked into it too because it is such big news to them. I have to wonder about the Lord’s sense of humor, since he made us. There is undoubtedly a connection between boys and humor (and girls too!). Captain Underpants did not become famous for no reason. And although I cannot stand the series, I can understand why boys jump hurdles to get those books in their hands. It is for the funny. The gross. The unmentionable. The silly. The unbelievable fact that books like those were even published, when everyone gets in trouble for potty talking! And finally, it is the ultimate, epic search for hilarity that comes from life and human beings.
So really. The dysfunctional romance between boys, girls, and flatulence shall not go away too soon, I am afraid. It is as I put it ever so sweetly…..
We Always Have Flatulence